Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hillary Tells Truth; Panic Ensues

Our sources tell us that the recent concussion suffered by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has had some unexpected consequences. Apparently, upon regaining consciousness, she -- according to her inner circle of medical personnel -- showed signs of having a lesion in the – as they euphemistically put it -- “portion of the verbal cortex that is in charge of editing”.  (I would prefer to call it "the spin zone".)  “We knew something was up when she sat up in bed and said 'Hey, I was never dodging sniper bullets in Bosnia!'”, a spokesman said. “It was at that point that we went into lock-down mode, and everything she's said from that point on has been preemptively classified top secret, on the chance that it too could be the truth.”

One commentator who has long-standing connections at the State Department offers this observation: “Imagine anyone in the diplomatic corps who cannot tell a lie. Imagine a secretary of state who cannot tell a lie. This is obviously a catastrophe of major proportions, not to mention which it violates one of the most hallowed principles of statecraft. Clearly, she is no longer qualified for that position, and, in fact, she cannot be allowed to remain in it for one more day, even though she has announced that she's leaving the post in the near future. National security is at stake.” The most immediate consequence was that she was unable to testify before Congress regarding the Benghazi attacks – but these developments make it quite certain that she never will.

And the problem extends far beyond the environs of Foggy Bottom. Panic has broken out among the “Arkansas Mafia” that populated her husband's administration, and rumor has it that Bill Clinton has gone into hiding with a bevy of lawyers. In the meantime, there are reports that hundreds of Bill Clinton's employees and associates when he was governor of Arkansas have purchased one-way tickets and flown out of Little Rock to parts unknown (suspected to be largely destinations in Central and South America). Surviving participants in the “Whitewater” scandal have also shown signs of heading out of town, as have some individuals involved with the failed "HillaryCare" program, which featured top-secret meetings. 

This is clearly a political event with far-reaching consequences, many of which, it may be assumed, are not yet imagined. Further updates will be provided as information becomes available.

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