Things Are Going Swimmingly -- Some Pool Observations

Being an amateur anthropologist and a bit of a people watcher, I've turned my attention of late to our community pool, which is large enough to hold pretty much every species and sub-species of human being. I've come up with a typology – a work in progress, if you will – but wanted to share it now, in hopes people can make their own contributions. See if you recognize any of these types! (But first, get in the mood. Think sun. Think soothing breezes, and the cloying scent of chlorine... )

The Bobbers: They just stand there, bobbing up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Hour after hour. (singly or in groups of 2 or 3)

The Conversationalists: They also just stand there, but don't even bob. Instead they talk, in groups of 2 or more. Talk about pretty much anything. Hour after hour.

The Floaters: They lie on one of those inflatable mattresses and let themselves be carried along by the current. They usually appear to be sound asleep. (I never see any of them either getting into or out of the water. I assume they're there all day. Maybe they never leave.)

The Odd Couple: How on earth did they ever find each other?

The Serious Senior Citizen Lady who typically uses the lap lane, and who was probably a varsity swimmer in her college days. She typically wears a bathing cap, which is a rarity these days.

The Serious Senior Citizen Man: See above. (minus the bathing cap, and usually minus hair)

Les Amants: This would be a young (or not so young) couple that just stand there in an embrace, looking dreamily into each other's eyes and smiling. (I don't know what's going on under the surface. Maybe I don't want to know.)

The Olympians: They churn through the water doing the Australian crawl, and heaven help you if you get in their way.

The Lap Swimmers: They stay in their lane and focus on endurance. Hats off!

The Muscle Beach types: There's no one like that in Pittsburgh.

The Shouters: These are the people who spend five or ten minutes trying to get someone else's attention by screaming at the top of their lungs. Either they're in the water and the other person is on the side, or vice-versa. They operate on the assumption that sound carries better over water – problem is, they're competing against 50 kids all yelling at the same time, and against Bob FM coming out of the P.A. System at 100 decibels.

The Nerds: This is 2 or 3 skinny teenage boys who engage in half-hearted horseplay with no girls in sight.

The Biggies: These are the folks who go in the water to get the weight off their spines and legs. I don't mean just mildly overweight people; I mean Really Big People, like the large-helping-of-fries-at-every-meal kind of big.

The Cool Kids: They aren't in the water. They're hanging around the snack bar.

The Sunbathers: They're out there frying themselves to a toasty brown. I don't sense much sunscreen in use. Hope they have good health insurance.

The Mystery Colors: People who already have a deep tan on the first day of the season, and people who are still a pasty white on the last day.

The Intellectual Loners: They find the most secluded spot in the place (on land, I mean) and just settle in. They're often reading a book. A big book. With no pictures.

The Day Care Ladies who are shepherding a platoon of toddlers and pre-schoolers. (I don't know how they keep their sanity. Maybe they don't.)

The woman wheeling an industrial-size baby stroller which is brimming over with tote bags, towels, pool toys, and assorted bits of clothing. (I assume there's a baby in there somewhere, but lots of luck finding it.)

The Harried Lifeguards who blow their whistle for five minutes hoping to get the attention of someone who is breaking the rules. Problem is, no one thinks they're breaking the rules so no one thinks the whistle is for them.

The Lady at the Entrance who has to explain the Byzantine rate system (age, residency, single, family, daily, seasonal, etc. etc.) about 50 times a day.

The Great Migrators: The people (usually families) who walk out at 4:30 on the dot. This is a legacy of the old days when all the factories let out at the same time and the wife had to be home in time to prepare dinner so it would be ready when the husband got home from work. Heaven forbid dinner should start even a minute past 6 PM! Don't yinz know it's bowling night?

The Ice Cubes: These are the folks (typically pale, thin young women) who take forever to get in the water, and are shivering the whole time. (They're always accompanied by a husband or boyfriend who, with great patience, tries to encourage them.) (Needless to say, if they should dare to splash the woman, the engagement is off!!)

The Water Cannon Kids: Usually boys. OK – always boys, never girls. You do the math.

The Head Lifeguard, who marches up and down like a drill sergeant keeping the troops in line. (He'd love to have a riding crop, but it's not standard issue.)

The Water Hogs: These are the guys who play toss and catch (usually 2 to 4 players) and try to see how much of the pool they can monopolize with their game. Of course, you can try and swim across their playing field, but then you risk being whacked by a missed catch. (This is the only activity which I feel should be entirely banned. Some of the others are annoying, but unlikely to lead to serious injury.)

So... there you are, and I'm sure there are a few I've missed (or that are found in pools other than the one I frequent). Please feel free to add your own observations!

The Five-Ring Circus – Some Olympic Impressions

 

I managed to watch the Olympics on and off over the last couple of weeks, and came up with some observations (bearing in mind that, being one of the least athletic people on the planet, I have no “standing” to make comments):

1. The Olympics, although they are called “games”, seem more real, authentic, solid, and honorable than pretty much anything else that is happening in the world right now, particularly in politics and in the crushing load of propaganda that is imposed on the citizenry every hour of every day on pretty much every issue or subject. We are, it's said, living in a post-reality era – which is true, since everything is politicized (therefore subjective) and we can't take anything for granted, including much of what is happening (or seems to be happening) right in front of our eyes. Of course the Olympics are politicized to some extent as well, and always have been... but they are still ultimately about natural talent, discipline, practice, and coaching. While perhaps not “pure”, they are as close as we can reasonably expect anything to come. (And things have improved considerably since the Cold War era, when you could always count on those stone-faced Russian judges to boost the scores of Russian athletes, and perhaps shave a bit off American scores.)

2. Also noted, and not for the first time – every sport, and every event, has its ideal body type – and there is very little variation within a given sport or event. This is, of course, the result of a kind of natural selection – as practiced by coaches, athletic directors, and so on... and reinforced through competition, training, conditioning – diet and nutrition as well, surely. A person's natural genetic potential will, hopefully, lend itself to one or more athletic endeavors... but surely it can never be that anybody can become anything in the world of sports (although we have had some pretty amazing people who came close – Babe Didrikson Zaharias and Jim Thorpe come to mind). What's intriguing is the possibility that, by the time anyone gets to Olympic level, all the DNA factors have been sorted out, and then it becomes purely a matter of conditioning, discipline, coaching, and raw determination. (And of course we can't discount a bit of randomness either. When outcomes are determined down to the hundredth of a second, or a centimeter, it would be a bit strained to claim that the winner was a significantly better athlete than the runner-up – especially when you could run the same event the next day and possibly get the opposite result.)

3. On the lighter side – I noticed that the later I stayed up to watch Olympic events, the more likely I was to see an event, or a sport, that I never knew even existed. (Cue expression of incredulity: “THAT's an Olympic event??”) I fully expect, some time in the future, to see sack races and three-legged races included (maybe not for medals, but at least for “demonstration”). (Well, why not? At least those are events I actually competed in in grade school, on “field day” – my introduction to abysmal failure, by the way.)

4. It should have been a lesson in geography as well. I've heard of all the countries that attended, but I'll bet many people haven't. There are some interesting entries way down on the participation list that should send people running to their atlas. (And yes, I had to look up ROC. My first thought was Republic of China, but that's out of fashion.)

5. And by the way, how often do you get to hear the national anthem of Fiji? Or Qatar? Don't tell me that isn't fun.

6. And then we have this phenomenon of athletes who weren't born in a given country, and didn't grow up there, winding up on their Olympic team. How long has this been going on? I don't remember that in the old days. Back then, everyone on the Swedish team had to be a Swede... and everyone on the Botswana team had to be Botswanian... etc. I guess it's kind of like the draft system in the NFL – it's a way to level the playing field a bit. But still... (I can see San Marino becoming an ice hockey powerhouse. Hey, if Jamaica can do bobsledding... )

7. And speaking of which, I loved the way the commentators for the women's basketball game between the U.S. and Japan were going on and on about the “size” issue. Well duh! But even so, the Japanese managed to get to the gold medal round which means they had to beat plenty of other tall people. (Even so, I spotted what appeared to be some “ringers” on the Japanese team. See previous item.)

8. The most enjoyable, i.e. least boring, event in my book: Skateboarding (Uh-huh, I know, it's not a classic – Avery Brundage would turn over in his grave. Well, tough!)

9. Most boring: Water polo (mostly a lot of splashing, and headgear that makes them look like extras from a cheesy 1950s sci-fi movie)

10. Most riveting: Shot put. Yes! The sight of those incredible hulks whirling around that ring before letting fly was mesmerizing.

11. Most gratifying: Everyone took the mask mandate in stride.

12. Second most gratifying: I didn't see any medal award “demonstrations”. Maybe I missed it, or just maybe the activists weren't quite up to medal level.

13. Also noted – the absolute perfection (at least to the untrained eye) of all the venues and the surrounding area. I didn't get the impression, as I have with some of the more “third world” sites, that the Olympic Village was also a Potemkin Village.

14. And thank goodness the summer Olympics can all happen in the same area – unlike the winter Olympics where some events can be 100 miles from other events, and where so much depends on the weather. (I do have to give the women runners credit for racing in the pouring rain. That had to be a good test of traction (shoes vs. track surface).)