Being an amateur anthropologist and a bit of a people watcher, I've turned my attention of late to our community pool, which is large enough to hold pretty much every species and sub-species of human being. I've come up with a typology – a work in progress, if you will – but wanted to share it now, in hopes people can make their own contributions. See if you recognize any of these types! (But first, get in the mood. Think sun. Think soothing breezes, and the cloying scent of chlorine... )
The Bobbers: They just stand there, bobbing up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Hour after hour. (singly or in groups of 2 or 3)
The Conversationalists: They also just stand there, but don't even bob. Instead they talk, in groups of 2 or more. Talk about pretty much anything. Hour after hour.
The Floaters: They lie on one of those inflatable mattresses and let themselves be carried along by the current. They usually appear to be sound asleep. (I never see any of them either getting into or out of the water. I assume they're there all day. Maybe they never leave.)
The Odd Couple: How on earth did they ever find each other?
The Serious Senior Citizen Lady who typically uses the lap lane, and who was probably a varsity swimmer in her college days. She typically wears a bathing cap, which is a rarity these days.
The Serious Senior Citizen Man: See above. (minus the bathing cap, and usually minus hair)
Les Amants: This would be a young (or not so young) couple that just stand there in an embrace, looking dreamily into each other's eyes and smiling. (I don't know what's going on under the surface. Maybe I don't want to know.)
The Olympians: They churn through the water doing the Australian crawl, and heaven help you if you get in their way.
The Lap Swimmers: They stay in their lane and focus on endurance. Hats off!
The Muscle Beach types: There's no one like that in Pittsburgh.
The Shouters: These are the people who spend five or ten minutes trying to get someone else's attention by screaming at the top of their lungs. Either they're in the water and the other person is on the side, or vice-versa. They operate on the assumption that sound carries better over water – problem is, they're competing against 50 kids all yelling at the same time, and against Bob FM coming out of the P.A. System at 100 decibels.
The Nerds: This is 2 or 3 skinny teenage boys who engage in half-hearted horseplay with no girls in sight.
The Biggies: These are the folks who go in the water to get the weight off their spines and legs. I don't mean just mildly overweight people; I mean Really Big People, like the large-helping-of-fries-at-every-meal kind of big.
The Cool Kids: They aren't in the water. They're hanging around the snack bar.
The Sunbathers: They're out there frying themselves to a toasty brown. I don't sense much sunscreen in use. Hope they have good health insurance.
The Mystery Colors: People who already have a deep tan on the first day of the season, and people who are still a pasty white on the last day.
The Intellectual Loners: They find the most secluded spot in the place (on land, I mean) and just settle in. They're often reading a book. A big book. With no pictures.
The Day Care Ladies who are shepherding a platoon of toddlers and pre-schoolers. (I don't know how they keep their sanity. Maybe they don't.)
The woman wheeling an industrial-size baby stroller which is brimming over with tote bags, towels, pool toys, and assorted bits of clothing. (I assume there's a baby in there somewhere, but lots of luck finding it.)
The Harried Lifeguards who blow their whistle for five minutes hoping to get the attention of someone who is breaking the rules. Problem is, no one thinks they're breaking the rules so no one thinks the whistle is for them.
The Lady at the Entrance who has to explain the Byzantine rate system (age, residency, single, family, daily, seasonal, etc. etc.) about 50 times a day.
The Great Migrators: The people (usually families) who walk out at 4:30 on the dot. This is a legacy of the old days when all the factories let out at the same time and the wife had to be home in time to prepare dinner so it would be ready when the husband got home from work. Heaven forbid dinner should start even a minute past 6 PM! Don't yinz know it's bowling night?
The Ice Cubes: These are the folks (typically pale, thin young women) who take forever to get in the water, and are shivering the whole time. (They're always accompanied by a husband or boyfriend who, with great patience, tries to encourage them.) (Needless to say, if they should dare to splash the woman, the engagement is off!!)
The Water Cannon Kids: Usually boys. OK – always boys, never girls. You do the math.
The Head Lifeguard, who marches up and down like a drill sergeant keeping the troops in line. (He'd love to have a riding crop, but it's not standard issue.)
The Water Hogs: These are the guys who play toss and catch (usually 2 to 4 players) and try to see how much of the pool they can monopolize with their game. Of course, you can try and swim across their playing field, but then you risk being whacked by a missed catch. (This is the only activity which I feel should be entirely banned. Some of the others are annoying, but unlikely to lead to serious injury.)
So... there you are, and I'm sure there are a few I've missed (or that are found in pools other than the one I frequent). Please feel free to add your own observations!
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