Going Human

A new day dawns. And it turns out that there is, indeed, intelligent life on another planet. The planet in question is called “Spain”, and the intelligent life – or, at least, the life form which has now taken its place as the equivalent of homo sapiens, for whatever that may imply in terms of “intelligence” – is the great ape. What interest the Spanish parliament might have had in elevating the ape to the same level as man in terms of “rights” is itself a matter for speculation. Are apes native to Spain? Not the last I heard, unless you include those critters that scurry around on the Rock of Gibraltar. But in the interests of worldwide outreach, responsibility, and guilt (call it “political boundary issues”), no doubt inspired by American liberals, the parliament – and we must parse carefully here – “voiced its support for the rights of great apes to life and freedom”. Put another way, it “called for such rights for non-humans” by “approving resolutions urging Spain to comply with the Great Apes Project, devised by scientists and philosophers.” We have to watch that last phrase, “scientists and philosophers” – an unholy mix indeed, when we are talking about government policies. We have seen, over the past few decades, how basically impotent philosophy is in the face of the Technological Imperative when divorced from faith, i.e. from religion or the spiritual frame of reference. The most egregious examples occur whenever “ethicists” – who are, almost by definition, devoid of a genuinely moral standpoint (because otherwise they would be called “moral theologians” and not “ethicists”) start carrying water for whatever technological, i.e. science-based enormities the medical profession has come up with this time. The ape issue is not strictly medical, of course, unless you include the doubtful psychiatric state of the people who came up with it. It is, rather, a stunning case of not only misplaced sentimentality and what I call “cuteism” – i.e., any species that is “cute”, or otherwise attractive, has to be protected, and the rest can get lost – but of what is called the “pathetic fallacy”, i.e. the notion that animals, especially those who resemble us in some way or who seem, at times, to mimic human feelings and responses, do, indeed, “feel” in the same way, and to the same extent, we do. Heck, we haven’t even accepted this premise about _each other_ as yet; how are we supposed to write this idea about apes into law? But the parade marches on. Now, you’ll notice (back to the parsing) that what was passed by the Spanish parliament was only a “resolution”, and all it does is “urge”. And Spain is apparently the first country on earth to even go this far. So the imminent liberation of apes from, e.g., zoos and experimental laboratories and TV shows and movies is still a ways off. But this is a clear signal that a trend is afoot, and I think it behooves us to be prepared – by which I mean, it behooves the _apes_ to be prepared. Because they will clearly, along with human rights, be saddled with all the human obligations which make this world such a vale of tears – especially when there are liberals in charge.

To begin with, the newly-liberated apes will have to be entered on the tax rolls and a portion of any wages they earn (through appearing in summer-stock productions of “King Kong”, for example) will have to be withheld. They will have to start wearing clothing in public places (except for German beaches). They will have to comply, if they wind up owning a business or rental real estate, with a vast array of regulations, including those pertaining to “equal opportunity” and “non-discrimination” (which, let’s assume, will by that time have been updated to reflect a multi-species environment). Nasty ape-like habits such as littering (with banana peels) or having feces fights will have to stop, due to the environmental and health hazards involved. An adult ape having “sexual commerce” with an underage ape (defined more or less the way it is for us, i.e. according to the public school curriculum) will be arrested, tried, and… well, locked up in a cage, I suppose. (I guess we’ll have to get ready for a bit of irony as well.) On the plus side, the makers of “gas guzzling” motor vehicles will gain a new lease on life, since the upsizing of cars to accommodate gorillas will add many more tons of metal to our already overstressed highways. Other industries that will profit handsomely will be barbers and hairstylists (and possibly manicurists, although further inquiry is needed on that point). The question of whether apes will be admitted to the armed forces will arise, and the issues will be daunting. Their sheer physical strength and agility would seem to make them ideal candidates for special operations. But it is feared that their mental slowness might constitute a disqualifier – at least until the military becomes desperate enough to lower the entrance standards to ape level. But in the meantime, our public school curriculae will have been updated thanks to programs like No Ape Left Behind. And we certainly shouldn’t forget the immense shot in the arm college athletics and professional sports will get. (And speaking of schools, the only institutions that will see no discernible change will be fraternities.) All in all, it looks like a win-win situation for all species involved.