Yemen? Yeah, Man!

You heard it here first, folks. The next place we'll be sending troops – aside from the “Obama surge” into Afghanistan, that is – is Yemen. (You know, Yemen? OK – let's admit, most Americans couldn't find the place on a map. In fact, most Yemenis couldn't find it on a map.) And how do I know this, you ask? Very simple – Obama said, just the other day, that he has no plans to send troops there. This, if you have any knowledge of history, constitutes an almost sure-fire indication that we will, indeed, be sending troops there, and fairly soon. Remember when FDR was re-elected (for the second time) in 1940 because “he kept us out of war”? Well, a bit over a year later we were at war – with Japan. And remember when LBJ said something like “We shouldn't be sending American boys over there to do what Vietnamese boys should be doing themselves.” Five minutes later he was sending another 50,000 troops over to that hell-hole. No really – if you add up all the instances of a president promising not to send troops, vs. what happens immediately afterwards, it's virtually certain that we'll be in Yemen before the snow flies – I mean before it melts. Whatever.

But wait! There's more! He also said there are no plans to send forces to Somalia either. (So Malia's his daughter, is that the reason?) But! “He doesn't rule out 'any possibility'.” Ah yes – the loophole. If things get bad enough – if those ragheads don't buckle down and behave themselves, well... we're just going to have to go over there and teach them a damn good lesson. And of course, “behaving themselves” involves taking the initiative and driving out every last member of al-Qaida, or the Taliban, or any other outfit that's pro-self determination and anti-American Empire (or anti-Israel, most importantly). So that opens up a myriad of possibilities for the future, and “I have a list here” based on the countries that have recently been declared “heightened risk nations” for air travel (from there to here, that is -- although flying from here to there isn't such a great idea either). In addition to the old standbys Iraq and Afghanistan, we also have the newcomers, Yemen and Somalia... but also Cuba (But it's illegal to fly between Cuba and the U.S. anyway, so what's the difference? And doesn't he remember the Bay of Pigs?)... Lebanon (Oh yeah, let's definitely send troops over there again – it worked so well the last time.)... Libya (Where's Billy Carter when we need him and his diplomatic skills?)... Pakistan (big deal, we're all over that place already)... Algeria (“Come weez me to ze Casbah.”)... Saudi Arabia (Now that could get interesting, considering they bought their entire military arsenal from us. I hope it's all past the pull date.)... Syria (oughta be fun, especially since they wound up with all of Saddam's WMDs)... Nigeria (Well, at least our troops can “blend in” with the population over there.)... and Sudan (and if you thought Afghanistan was primitive... ). Oh yes – and Iran, which has been in our crosshairs ever since Dick Cheney found out it wasn't the same place as Iraq. Fourteen countries in all – the new American Empire! I can hardly contain myself with excitement! And heck, that still doesn't cover all of the Islamic world – there are still the Paris suburbs, for example. And Holland.

Now – let's not get all “wee-wee” about this, in Obama's words – those places ought to be a “cakewalk”, as one of the leading Neocons said about Iraq. No problemo, in other words – just show the flag, kick some raghead butt, and we're in. “Shock and awe” and all that. Remember how well it worked in Iraq? That place fell into our hands like overripe fruit... which is why we're still over there. It only remains to see how the timeline works out – which dominoes fall first, which captive peoples get to place laurel wreaths on the brows of our brave boys and spread palm fronds in their path. Ah yes, it's a great time to be an American!