Cracked Is As Cracked Does

One of the more amusing tributes to a departed eccentric is: “Before they made him, they broke the mold.” But this statement can be applied almost literally to the Episcopal Church… particularly in its original formulation as the Church of England. That body was formed, all protestations to the contrary, for the most carnal of reasons – ones that would make Bill Clinton blush. A nice side effect was that it put all Church (Catholic, that is) property into the hands of the power elite of the day, and that is, in fact, the basis for many of the still-remaining great fortunes and estates in England. In other words, it is a society founded, in its modern incarnation, on a massive act of thievery. Of course, some will quibble, what society isn’t? – including the United States, and I say point taken. But that establishment also set in place the Episcopal Church’s heart of darkness, if you will – that same heart which has eventuated, in the 20th Century and the present one, in all of the chaos and socio-political folly that comes to mind whenever we think of that organization, especially its American branch. So it comes as no surprise that some people are seeking to reclaim – or, I would say, claim for the first time – some sort of spiritual and moral legitimacy for a denomination that, let’s admit, has, despite its many flaws, given us some of the more noble and inspired liturgies, hymns, and architecture over the past few centuries of Christendom. I would say – and using C. S. Lewis as an example would not be inappropriate – much of what keeps the more traditional Anglicans from “going back to Rome” is precisely the fact that their church has aggregated unto itself some of the highest aspects of English culture… and this is something not lightly given up.

But in the course of time, it has occurred to not a few that, cultural and aesthetic benefits aside, the Episcopal Church in general, and especially its American branch, has drifted, in fits and starts, away from the awe and worship of the Almighty into a social activist organization that sees “diversity” as one of the highest human values. Its attempts to be all-inclusive would cause laughter and derision in the offices of the Democratic National Committee. Its embrace of all other “faith traditions” as being as valid as its own has made traditional missionary work seem the vocation of fools. And its additional embrace of every New Age, Feminist, “Queer”, etc. fad to come down the pike has more or less sealed its fate in the eyes of the traditionalists – thus the current split, exemplified by Pittsburgh’s Bishop Duncan leading his flock into the strangely-named Southern Cone. And in a fit of high irony, the Presiding Bishop accuses him and his followers of “schism”! But hey, if the Episcopalians weren’t good for a few laughs from time to time, why would we keep them around?

Which brings me to this modest exercise. Let’s say you’re asked to describe the sorts of people who might join Bishop Duncan and abscond to the Southern Cone, vs. the sorts who are determined to remain with the Episcopal Church U.S.A. Or, based on words and deeds, who is likely to wind up in which group? So to speed things up, I will provide a list – which you’re free to add to – based on whether they are likely to “Go” or “Stay”.

Go: The ones who prefer votive candles
Stay: The ones who prefer flaming torches (but watch out for that “carbon footprint”!)

Go: The ones who like incense
Stay: The ones who like incense (but of the “New Age shop” variety)

Go: The ones who like the 1940 Hymnal
Stay: The ones who like “charismatic” and “renewal” ditties

Go: Shake hands in a dignified way at “the greeting”
Stay: Leap over pews to smother others in a bear hug

Go: Vestments
Stay: A clean T-shirt

Go: A sanctuary
Stay: A “gathering place”

Go: An altar
Stay: A bare floor

Go: Get an annulment before re-marrying
Stay: Hire a limo before re-marrying

Go: Sunday morning Mass
Stay: Saturday night or Sunday evening Mass… or let’s just skip it this week

Go: Attend Mass when on the road
Stay: Attend Sunday champagne brunch when on the road

Go: Revere the saints
Stay: Revere the latest guru to hit town

Go: Priests take (and keep) vows of celibacy and poverty
Stay: Priests have “partners”, wine cellars, gourmet kitchens, and Porsches

Go: Priests wear clericals at all times
Stay: How do you like my new Don Ho shirt?

Go: Priest attends church carnival
Stay: Priest attends opera

Go: Priest lives in the rectory
Stay: Priest has “his own place” somewhere – no one’s quite sure where

Go: Priest eats casseroles brought in by "church ladies"
Stay: Priest eats at the most chic restaurants in town

Go: Priest is male
Stay: Priest is male, female, or “miscellaneous”

Go: Nuns
Stay: Episcopal nuns? You’ve got to be kidding. (No – they do exist.)

Go: Seminaries turn out holy priests
Stay: Seminaries turn out candidates for the Chippendales

Go: The ones who practice fasting and abstinence during Lent and Advent
Stay: The ones who serve sushi, caviar, or lobster thermidor on Fridays in Lent

Go: The ones who kneel at the rail to receive Communion
Stay: The ones who prefer to receive on the run (i.e., on their way out the door)

Go: Needlework cushions on kneelers
Stay: Folding chairs made of "recycled materials"

Go: The ones who prefer their Communion in the form of small, smooth wafers
Stay: The ones who prefer fat loaves of crumbly bread (but “whole grain” of course!)

Go: Large families
Stay: Couples with one child – and that one is adopted from the “Third World”

Go: Happy gray-haired grandmothers
Stay: Angry iron-haired lesbian ex-nuns

Go: Altar boys
Stay: Altar girls

Go: High Mass
Stay: Clown “mass”

Go: Sanctus bells
Stay: Bongo drums

Go: Pipe Organs
Stay: Electronic keyboards

Go: Polished wood
Stay: Formica

Go: Ballroom lessons in the parish hall
Stay: Hip-hop in the parish hall

Go: Rest on the Sabbath
Stay: Go to Bloomingdale’s and Whole Foods on the Sabbath

Go: Go to Confession on a regular basis
Stay: “Sin” – such an old-fashioned idea, really! And who is to say?

Go: Feel kind of bad about St. Thomas More
Stay: Would have fought on the Republican side in the Spanish Civil War

Go: Solzhenitsyn is a hero
Stay: Gorbachev was a sell-out

Go: Pray for the conversion of the Jews
Stay: Pray for acceptance by the Jews

Go: Reserved Sacrament
Stay: “Where have they put my Lord?”

Go: Marriage is the union of a man and a woman.
Stay: Two signatures – or paw prints – on the application are all we need.

Go: The Devil is real.
Stay: “Mental illness” is real.

Go: Heaven and Hell both exist.
Stay: Heaven might exist, but Hell – no way. Except maybe for Hitler and Nixon.

Go: Prayer is a great resource.
Stay: “Direct action” is a great resource.

Go: Man was made in God’s image.
Stay: The world just happened – except for the human race, which was some kind of cosmic mistake.

Go: Evolution is debatable.
Stay: Evolution is a fact.

Go: Capitalism works.
Stay: Communism would have worked, if we’d only given it a chance.

Go: “Compassionate conservatism”
Stay: Ruthless liberalism

Go: Observe All Saints Day and All Souls Day
Stay: Observe Halloween

Go: Observe Christmas
Stay: Observe “Midwinter Holiday”

Go: Observe The Circumcision, AKA The Solemnity of Mary
Stay: Observe New Year’s Day (by watching TV)

Go: Observe Easter, including the Triduum
Stay: Fit Easter Mass into the Easter egg hunt schedule

Go: Send missionaries out to preach the Gospel
Stay: Send missionaries out to fight for “social justice”

Go: Church windows depict Bible events and the Saints
Stay: Church windows depict humanistic ideas, politicians, and scientific breakthroughs

Go: Stations of the Cross
Stay: The United Nations Charter

Go: Adult “inquirers’ classes”
Stay: “Mixers”

Go: Believe in the Real Presence
Stay: Believe in the Real Symbol

Go: Sunday evening Benediction
Stay: Sunday evening football

Go: Annual picnic at a local park
Stay: Voter registration drives

Go: Protest at the local abortion clinic
Stay: Counter-protest at the local abortion clinic

Go: Consider McCain too liberal
Stay: Consider Obama too conservative

Go: "Talk Radio"
Stay: NPR

Go: Ask, “what would Jesus do?”
Stay: Ask, “what would _I_ do?”

Go: Respect the Pope
Stay: Respect the Dalai Lama

Go: Support Israel
Stay: Support Israel (well, they can’t differ in _every_ respect, can they?)

Go: Attend pre-marriage classes and counseling
Stay: Attend bachelor and bachelorette parties

Go: Trust the church to properly administer the sacraments
Stay: Trust the church to properly administer advice to illegal immigrants

Go: Extreme Unction
Stay: Some New Age incantation

Go: Family attends church together
Stay: Everyone has their own car. Who knows where they spend Sunday morning?

Go: Rights of the unborn
Stay: Rights of animals, trees, birds, reptiles, insects, “oppressed minorities”, women, gays, the “other-abled”, immigrants, prisoners, primitive tribes… everything but the unborn, basically

Go: March in the Columbus Day parade
Stay: March in the Gay Rights parade

Go: Considers the split with the Catholic Church a “sad division”
Stay: Considers it “liberation”

Go: Sees other religions as a missionary field
Stay: Sees other religions as, very possibly, superior to one’s own

Go: Raise their children in the church
Stay: Send their kids to public (or private) school, and hope they “find their own way”

Stay: Ex-Catholics
Go: Future Catholics

Go: Altar Society
Stay: Social Justice Committee

Go: Might be home schoolers
Stay: Consider home schooling subversive

Go: Might be patriots
Stay: Consider themselves “world citizens”

Go: Read the Bible
Stay: Read the Tao Te Ching

Go: Prefer organs and choirs singing in Latin
Stay: Prefer guitars and some guy singing in Swahili

Go: Put on “The Play of Daniel”
Stay: Put on “The Vagina Monologues”

Go: For holiday entertainment, prefer Handel’s “Messiah” or Bach’s “St. Matthew Passion”
Stay: Prefer “The Revels”

Go: Dress up for church
Stay: Put on clothes – kind of – for church

Go: Traditional grooming
Stay: Finger-in-the-light-socket hair

Go: Pray for healing
Stay: Hire a Native American shaman for healing

Go: Buried in a cemetery, preferably on church grounds
Stay: Ashes scattered on Walden Pond

Well, this is just a sampling. I’m sure there are many more telling differences – but this should be enough to help anyone who is unsure of their position decide which group to go (or stay) with.