Cheney of Fools

Vice President Dick Cheney paid a surprise visit to Iraq on Monday, which included an extemporaneous speech and a victory lap around the periphery of the Green Zone, in which the body of Uday Hussein -- specially disinterred for the occasion -- was dragged behind the V.P.'s limousine, in a scene reminiscent of "Ben-Hur". In his speech -- only occasionally interrupted by explosions of suicide bombers and from the demolition of mosques by rival sects -- the V.P. vowed to stay in Iraq "until Hell freezes over" -- which, considering what we know about global warming, isn't likely to happen any time soon. Wearing a bulletproof suit of armor, which required its own separate pacemaker, he commended American troops who volunteered for duty in Iraq, where the life expectancy is about on par with that of a Southern Redneck in the South Bronx. And as for the ethnic cleansing of Christians from Iraq, it has the full approval of the administration. "If it's OK with Pat Robertson, it's OK with us," the veep said. Mr. Cheney, the only American politican in modern times to have his own sneer coach, was in a surprisingly upbeat mood as he surveyed the portions of the pockmarked landscape visible from his bunker window. "Only four thousand dead on our side versus a few hundred thousand Iraqis? Sounds to me like we're winning."

In a related story, German Chancellor Angela Merkel addressed the Israeli Parliament on Tuesday, pledging German support for the upcoming war against Iran -- or for any other war on any other Islamic state that the U.S. may ever decide to start. Her speech did fall short, however, of promising any actual troop or logistical support, or money, or of promising that Germany would take over the United States' role in providing total support and defense of Israel. One staffer commented that "it would completely bankrupt Germany. The U.S. is the only country that can afford to do this." Of course, no one mentioned that it was the Germans who drove the Jews out of Europe in the first place -- at least, the ones they couldn't catch. One wag commented that "even Ahmadinejad has pointed out that Israel ought to be supported by Germany until the above-mentioned Hell freezes over." But no one was about to make this proposal in a public forum, apparently.