Snapshots: 3/26/08

Once in a while the news of just one day provides a windfall of the loony and absurd -- easy pickings when one desires to take a break from, ahem, more in-depth and carefully-considered analysis. Today's bounty includes the following:

1. This Job Bites!

Seems that two teenaged girls from Bulgaria had to be rescued from an Italian circus that "forced one of them to swim with flesh-eating piranhas and snakes for the amusement of guests." What I'd like to know is, who were these "guests" who were willing to shell out all those lira, I mean euros, to have a look at this? They're the people we ought to be looking out for. Forget the circus owners, they were just trying to make a few bucks.

2. Species As Yet Undetermined

"Dinosaur fossil found on bus." No, actually it was just Ted Kennedy, who had fallen asleep on the way home from a drinking bout. The good news -- he didn't try to drive himself.

3. Tanks for the Memories

Apparently there is a "doomsday cult" holed up in caves in central Russia, awaiting the end of the world. Worse yet, they have fired on policemen sent to -- well, the item doesn't say but given that it's Russia we're talking about, I'm sure there is a law against that sort of thing. Rumor has it that the local authorities are in consultation with Janet Reno, the "Iron Maiden of Waco", and may hire her to implement the "final solution" of the problem of these silly cultists. Ms. Reno has not been in the news much of late, and has, in fact, been living in virtual seclusion since an incident in a bar in Daytona Beach where she was approached by a drunken fraternity member who said, "Hey, I just made a bet with my buddies over there. Are you a man or a woman?"

4. States of Apathy

In a victory for states' rights, the Supreme Court has decided that the President cannot force states to comply with international treaties, especially those termed "dumb-ass". Apparently, not all international treaties have the force of law, and in those cases where a treaty does not, the President just has to stand by, helpless, as the states defy it, or even laugh at it. This is going to get very interesting when it comes to issues like global warming, adoption of a common North American currency (tentatively named the "dollaroso"), or the building of a continuous elevated highway between Mexico and Canada (with stops only allowed for "nature calls").

5. I'll Pencil You In

It turns out that the technological aids developed for census takers are difficult to use and error-prone. The suggested solution, arrived at after the government perused reports by high-priced consultants, is to use "paper and pencil" -- a method which senior citizens may recall as having been popular as recently as the 1950s. My question is, what if this catches on? We may find the same solution being proposed for use in elections. And then, what about the checkout line at my local supermarket, where if the computers "go down", everyone has to go home empty-handed? This idea could revolutionize American life as we know it.

6. Terrorible, Just Terrorible

Our gal Hillary, never without an arsenal of statements that make one say, "Huh??", was in good form as she entered the lions' den on Tuesday for an interview with the editorial board of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "She said an ambassador from Africa told her the bungled response (of the Bush administration to Hurricane Katrina) and slow recovery in New Orleans are recruiting tools for al-Qaida." Well, trust an ambassador from Africa to get right to the heart of things -- and Hillary to parrot whatever he says without thinking, "What the _hell_ is he talking about?" Well, I know that young men all over the Islamic world were deeply troubled by the administration's feckless handling of Katrina. I'm sure that sheiks and mullahs all over the Near East were citing formaldehyde-laden house trailers as reasons why guys should gird their loins with dynamite and go blow up the nearest shashlik stand. In fact, the last I heard, a radical Moslem leader had declared a fatwa based on the color of Bush's neckties.

7. Another Nuclear Noogie

Another Penn and Teller treatment of nukes and nuclear accessories surfaced when we "inadvertently" sent some ICBM parts to Taiwan (when they were probably intended for Kosovo). But not to worry, said one "expert" -- "I think the Chinese would have to be incredibly sensitive and paranoid to think the United States would be arming Taiwan with nuclear capabilities." Well, let's see -- "sensitive", check. "Paranoid", check. "Going apeshit over Tibet, so this is the worst possible time for something like this to happen", check. But still -- I'm sure reason will pevail over emotion. I mean, gosh, it's not like we provided nuclear weapons to Israel. (um, oops...)