Middle in a Pickle

The following memo has been obtained from one of our “moles” on Obama's “transition team”. Although marked “Top Secret”, it has apparently been circulated and discussed widely among team members, who are apparently expected to use it as a conceptual basis for all social and economic policies, whether ones taken over from the Bush administration or ones to be originated under Obama. Here is the memo in its entirety, with only the name of the signer deleted:

TOP SECRET

Memorandum for: Transition Team

Subject: Why the Middle Class Must Be Eliminated

1. They Are Boring. Middle class people watch boring TV shows and listen to boring music. They live in boring houses, have boring jobs, drive boring cars, play boring games, take boring vacations, wear boring clothes, have boring hair styles, and eat boring food. Their lives are not “nasty, brutal, and short” like those of our brothers in the inner city – they are terminally boring, which is actually worse. The America we envision will be one in which being boring – while not a capital offense – is strongly discouraged, and any and all means will be utilized to produce a non-boring citizenry. Allowing boring middle-class people to stick around will only delay and interfere with this work.

2. They believe in “family values”, which is thinly-disguised code for racism, sexism, homophobia, and being against alternative lifestyles. The word “family” is also code for “more than replacement level of reproduction” which will also be prohibited under the new administration, using the highly-successful one-child program of China as a model. The outmoded “family” concept also includes things like the Mormons' notorious “family home evenings” where the whole family sits down together for dinner, and no one watches TV for the entire evening (or goes out to play soccer, or to the mall, etc.). This is clearly a seriously subversive custom and one of the first priorities of the administration will be to have it declared illegal, along with things like “Thanksgiving”, which creates a colossal carbon footprint from all the travel it entails just in order to participate in hollow and outmoded “family” rituals.

3. They are patriotic. One of the biggest challenges we face is eliminating old-fashioned, war-mongering and racist patriotism from the American scene, along with its implications of American “exceptionalism”. It discriminates against citizens of other nations by implying that their places of birth are not up to our standards, and it interferes with our willingness to cooperate with more enlightened and humane organizations like the EU and the U.N.

4. Middle class people typically live in nuclear family units. Larger group living arrangements – sometimes referred to as “colonies”, “communes”, or “compounds”, will be authorized if not religiously-based, and public school attendance for underage children will be a minimum requirement, in order to prevent them from becoming dogmatically attached to their parents' belief systems and lifestyles. (Note that this guideline is already being enforced in places like Texas.)

5. Middle class people are hypocritical. Many of them pretend to be “pro-life”, but if their daughter gets pregnant they are off to the abortion service provider in a heartbeat. Our only request – backed up by law – will be that they cease claiming to be something they aren't.

6. Many of them attend a main-line church where the primary mission is something called “worship” rather than political action. All non-governmental organizations not involved in correct political action will be subject to heavy taxation, fines, and possible closure under the new administration.

7. Religiously-based holidays – another middle class fixation – will be abolished in favor of non-discriminatory national holidays, to be named at a later date (suggestions solicited).

8. The middle class can't be trusted to spend their money properly, as President Bill Clinton pointed out. More of their income must be confiscated to save them from making any more bad decisions of this type. (See also paragraph 1, since most of their expenditures are for boring things.)

9. At the same time, they have a kind of obsession about “holding onto” their money, especially for things like “retirement” (which will be prohibited, since it discriminates against people who are unable to retire). These misconceptions need to be corrected as soon and as thoroughly as possible. The money they think of as “theirs” is the property of the United States; this has been unambiguously established in the courts but administrations up until now have been lax in enforcing it.

10. They also have the strange idea that their children are, in some sense, “theirs” to supervise, raise, provide health care for, and educate. This misconception must also be corrected at the earliest possible opportunity. They may be granted temporary custody of certain children (their own biological children – a mere technicality -- or others) at the discretion of the state, but this cannot be confused with any sort of “right”, and poor performance (especially the teaching of wrong ideas) will constitute grounds for immediate termination. (Note that the social service industry has already made great strides on this last point.)

11. Related to the previous item is the need to eliminate all non-public schools (for the middle class – the wealthy will be allowed to keep their private schools open as long as they demonstrate correct thinking on other issues, and continue to support progressive candidates). Church-based schools are in clear violation of separation of church and state, and “home schooling” is a contradiction in terms, since we know that only professionally-trained and certified teachers who are union members are qualified to instruct the next generation of citizens in the proper modes of thought and behavior.

12. Likewise, the middle-class notion of “freedom to seek, or not seek, and to choose, specific medical care providers” has to be thoroughly debunked, as Hillary Clinton pointed out when she proposed her omnibus health care program, which was unfortunately derailed by right-wing fanatics and haters.

13. Likewise, the notion of “freedom to choose one's sources of nutrition” and other consumables like alcohol and tobacco, persists among certain classes. A massive re-education program will be put in place to correct all wrong ideas in this area.

14. Likewise, their notion of “freedom to choose education providers, career tracks, and jobs” will be replaced by assigned training and jobs programs based on the most pressing needs of the people.

15. They are also obsessed with “home ownership” and with owning private cars and other luxury items. The new administration will provide ample public housing and transportation for all citizens, and they will be expected to use it without argument. Resources they currently “own” will be turned over to redistribution agencies for use in the people's interest, e.g. by administration officials and supporters.

16. On the bright side, it can be noted that certain “freedoms”, such as speech, the press, and association, that the middle class formerly valued have been watered down and compromised to the extent that, once officially abolished, they will not be missed. We intend no overt action in this area because to do so might provoke some people to remember when those alleged “freedoms” were actually taken advantage of.

17. Middle-class people are physically incompetent. They can't jump, dance, or run, they have no sense of rhythm, they're afraid of spicy food, and they're lousy in bed. For these reasons and for many others, they interfere with the proper lifestyle that we all strive to enjoy. So they have to go.

18. And finally, they are clearly mentally incompetent, since they can't see that their days are numbered, and they have not taken appropriate action to prevent their extermination. In fact, many of them voted for our candidate. People who are this stupid cannot be allowed to live.

19. Note: In response to objections that “there are, after all, black, Hispanic, Native American, and other 'minority' middle-class people”, this is actually not true. Minorities cannot, by definition, be middle class. When you see what appear to be “middle class minority” citizens, what you are actually seeing is poor people who just happen to have temporarily gotten a slightly larger slice of the pie. (The pie does exist, by the way, contrary to rumors. It is housed in a large building formerly used as a dirigible hanger in Lakehurst, NJ.) But rest assured, they are still all victims of discrimination on all levels, and are entitled to preferential treatment for the foreseeable future.

20. The only significant exception to item 19 is the existence of what appear to be GLBT “middle class” households. This is the most prominent minority that is not defined by race or ethnicity. Discussions are under way as to how to deal with these, and no program or policy decisions should be made for this category until further guidance is provided. (The question being, are they enough of a minority to merit a special exemption from the overall requirement that all citizens be either rich or poor?)

21. Final instruction: Supervisors should pass this out to all subordinates, inviting questions and offering clarifications. Group discussions are authorized. Later additions may be made, but deletions are disallowed. These guidelines will be a non-negotiable element of all developing programs and policies unless otherwise directed.