Cop Rises from the Dead, Slays Bagpiper

The funeral for a policeman killed in the line of duty was briefly interrupted when the deceased clambered out of his casket, walked unsteadily up to the bagpiper playing "Amazing Grace", and throttled him in full view of hundreds of mourners, including the entire police force of the city, who were technically on duty but had warned all felons, miscreants, and double parkers to "behave yourselves" until the ceremonies were over with. Upon dispatching the bagpiper, Officer Dale Shaughnessy made his way calmly back to his casket and climbed in, with what one onlooker described as a "look of great satsifaction" on his face. After the incident, the officer's wife said that, while she was a bit startled, she was not terribly surprised, since her husband had complained quite often about the ubiquitous playing of "Amazing Grace" by some guy in full tartan regalia at funerals for policemen and fireman, "'and some of them aren't even Scottish or Irish', he would say. 'They play it for Poles and Hispanics too.'" Apparently he had vowed that if anyone attempted to play the tune at his own funeral, he would find a way to wreak vengeance, "and it seems like he managed to work it out", said Mrs. Shaughnessy. "He was a stubborn man who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer." Police authorities were understandably taken aback by the incident, and indicated that they would review the policy of hiring a bagpiper on every possible occasion. "We always thought it was a joke when people said that music would wake the dead. Who knew?" said a police official. The Bagpiper's Union has yet to comment.