Snapshots, 4/2-3/08

If April 1 is "April Fool's Day", what is April 2? I suggest it be called -- taking a cue from Mr. T -- "I Pity the Fool Day", i.e. "I pity the fool who survives April 1 just to come back and be an even bigger fool." Some random samples from yesterday's and today's news will illustrate my thesis.

1. But Did They Kill Kenny?

It sounds like a story line from "South Park" -- but it's apparently true. A group of third graders in Georgia (the state, not the country -- funny how we always have to specify that now) hatched a plot against their teacher and apparently had every intention of carrying it out, going so far as to bring an arsenal of weaponry to school, including "a broken steak knife, handcuffs, electrical and transparent tape, ribbons and a crystal paperweight". Again we must read between the lines to gather the full significance of this story. To begin with, this was not an ordinary third-grade class. It was a class for "special" students, who suffered from "learning disabilities including attention deficit disorder, delayed development and hyperactivity". (In my day, we called them "bad kids and retards" -- but that was in the Dark Ages, of course.) Now, not only did this cabal of pre-teens hatch the plot and gather an array of tools with which to carry it out, they also came up with a division of labor by which some would be assigned to "window covering" duty and others to "clean-up" duty (think: "brain duty" in "Pulp Fiction"). Now, it seems to me that, just for starters, having an entire class composed of "challenged" kids is already walking on the wild side. On the other hand, we also see how these supposedly "challenged" kids really did rise to the challenge, and came up with something that one would hardly expect of people twice their age. "Attention deficit disorder", my ass! "Delayed development"? I say, figure out a way to harness these talents. Put these kids to work for the "No Child Left Behind" bureaucracy, for example. Put them out on the street as part of child enticement "sting" operations. These are the tac squad members of tomorrow, don't let them go to waste. And, oh yes, an added note of irony. None of them can be prosecuted since "children in Georgia can't be charged with a crime unless they are at least 13". This is from a state where, up until recently, you could get _married_ at age 13. (And by the way, what were the ribbons for? Maybe I don't want to know.)

2. Russian Cavers Cave

The Russian end-of-the-world cult that was holed up in a cave has broken up and decided to re-integrate itself with Russian society. (This is bad news for Janet Reno, who was all set to make big bucks as a consultant on "how to get rid of cultists".) But it turns out that this "cave" of theirs was just a hype anyway. It wasn't a real cave, but only a hole dug into the side of a hill. Lame, man! But you have to hand it to them for having the Russian trait of long-suffering; they had been there for "nearly half a year". (Well, we've been suffering through primaries for that long, so I can relate... ) Also to be noted -- they "reject processed food" -- obviously the key to their endurance.

3. Are You Black Enough?

Further evidence that the Clinton campaign has made headway with its insinuations that Obama is not an authentic black person, therefore is entitled to no special consideration from the black community. A Clinton backer, Cong. Emanuel Cleaver (no known relationship to Beaver), says that Obama "is articulate", but "in the black tradition, he would probably be mediocre". This has to do with speaking ability, of course, not with anything fuddy-duddy like logic or proper use of English. Well, we know that Obama had a culturally-deprived childhood. But there are ways of making up for all that. If he really wants to emulate the charisma of the black preacher/politician, he needs to add a few things to his campaign repertoire. One would be a choir in long robes, singing uplifting songs during his rallies. (And they all have to sway at the same time, like the Supremes; don't forget that.) Another would be an organist who lays down those little riffs along with Obama's speeches. And -- most important of all -- that elderly woman who sits in the front row and hollers, "Yeah!", every time Obama makes a major point. Do it, Obama! Get down wit' yo' black self! Whatchoo got to lose, bro?

4. Pass 'Em All, Let God Sort 'Em Out

"Computer malfunction wipes out school grades" in Evansville, Indiana. I guess this was an act of desperation on the part of anti-NCLB forces. All of a sudden, the school can't be sanctioned because -- guess what -- no one has any grades! Very clever. Now, when I worked for the "feds", anyone with a grain of sense kept multiple backups -- because we knew that our automation system suffered from LBS, "Low Bidder Syndrome". I mean, we were still using computers with vacuum tubes when everyone else had gone to silicon. We had punch cards when everyone else had Zip drive, and Zip drives after everyone else had tossed them in the trash. And for something _really_ important, we kept -- yeah, you tree huggers -- paper backup. So this "wipes out school grades" stuff is totally bogus. We know what was really going on there, and it ain't pretty.

5. Weather Experts Blow It Again

"Hurricane experts, off the mark the past 2 years, expect 'active' season." Here we go again. It's that same old tired syndrome that all weather prophets suffer from -- if you predict calm and storms develop, you get blamed. If you predict storms and none occur, everyone's happy. So what do you do? You predict storms, cataclysms, floods, typhoons, tidal waves, etc., at every opportunity. Then when they don't materialize, you mumble some lame-assed thing about having to "tweak" your computer models, and life goes on. Hey, I don't blame these guys. But please note that they're the same ones who are gung-ho the "global warming" hype. So do we really want energy policy for the next 100 years based on a bunch of nerds whose Job One is covering their butt?

6. Better Red Than Dead

Now it turns out that the Democrats have had a secret weapon all along, that we could have used in our negotiations with hostile regimes. Seems that former president Bill Clinton reacted to the mention of New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson's wandering off the reservation by "turning red". (No, we don't mean red as in "The East is Red", we mean literally.) One observer commented that Clinton "seemed more hurt than anything". Well gee, is that anything like the kind of "hurt" a kindergartner feels when someone pushes ahead of him in the graham cracker line? If so, it's something we've seen any number of times from our first black -- er, red -- president. In fact, it's surprising when he _doesn't_ react to bad news in a manner befitting a spoiled pre-schooler. He pulled this act time and again while in office, and he's back at it now. But -- say I -- let's not spoil this hitherto-unremarked resource. Let's send him over to Israel... or North Korea... or to one of our balky "allies". He could succeed where others have failed. What seasoned diplomat could ever get the results Bill Clinton can get by simply turning red? Think of the impact, in a meeting of people who are used to each other's boring monologues. He turns red... then purple... the steam starts to rise... "Give me that pen! I'll sign! Anything to get this guy to turn back to a normal color!" This could be the start of a whole new era in diplomacy -- one with more promise of success than the one we're in now, I can almost guarantee.

And finally ---

7. Moo Over, Rover!

"Scientists in Britain applied for permission to create part cow, part human embryos." Now surely there's an easier way for Rosie O'Donnell to produce offspring!