Snapshots, 4/7/08

Spring is here! The air is balmy... the daffodils are about to pop... and an ever-new round of lunacy strikes the body politic. To wit:

1. Shall We Dance?

You're going to see some tap dancing that would put Bo Jangles to shame when Gen. Petraeus parachutes onto Capitol Hill tomorrow to deliver his latest pep talk on the war. McCain will, of course, be happy as a pig in stuff, since his belief in the merit of the war is totally unclouded by actual facts. The tap dancing will be done by Hillary and Obama. They would, ideally, like to subject the general to a war crimes trial, not so much for him as for his role as representative of a delusional administration. At the same time they realize that same delusion is still shared by millions of Americans -- and that the previous round of jeers and catcalls directed at the general didn't go over too good with the home folks. So they will adopt an air of skepticism and ask "probing questions" while being careful not to leave any teethmarks. At the same time, they'll each be positioning themselves at a very precise balance point which will allow for either continued criticism of the war or a "wait and see" attitude -- all in anticipation of an eventual (they hope) position statement once in office. It's called keeping one's options open. Of course, Obama is more unambiguously against the war than Hillary, in his public statements. But it's funny how, once in office, presidents develop a strange new respect for American empire-building. Well, it's on their watch, for one thing, so how can it be bad? But I suspect that what really happens is that they are made to sit down and have a little talk with a few key players who don't want their "deal" screwed up. And at that point, they realize that they've been taken captive, and that they will remain so until the day they leave office. You see this when they start walking around in a daze, with a glassy stare and mumbling about things like "America's obligations". What you are seeing at that point is the "pod person" who was substituted for the real thing by the body snatchers. What happens to the real person in that case? We don't know, because they never reappear. The "pod person" serves out their term, and then retires, and never utters a word of regret or repentance. All they manage to do -- if they don't have the good sense to live out their days on the golf course -- is get in the way, like Jimmy Carter.

2. "Girl born with 2 faces doing well, parents say"

At least now we know what that extra .1 child looks like, as in "average number of children" being 2.1 And of course, being as how this happened in India, the baby is already being revered by devout Hindus as a deity. (Apparently, every malformation in the human body is matched by at least one Hindu deity, which is really a very compassionate view of things. On the other hand, what self-respecting religion would have a deity that looked like Jimmy Carter?) In any case, when asked if this sort of thing might give India a bad name, a government spokesman said: "On the contrary. This event will put us into the first rank of nations. After all, Americans have been worshiping a two-faced female as a deity for years, and they are about to elect her president. If it's good enough for America, it is certainly good enough for India."

3. "Donation made to ensure control of Jerusalem"

This, referring to a donation of $6 million to "Israeli causes" by American evangelist John Hagee, a "Christian Zionist". Well, frankly, $6 million is a bit lame, considering that our foreign aid to Israel amounts to more than that each day. Plus -- what, precisely, does Hagee (an anti-Catholic as well, by the way) expect Israel to _do_ with this chump change? Build a chain-link fence around the Dome of the Rock? Buy every Arab youth an iPod, in an attempt at pacification? I'd like to see his plan, because if it's any good, we could use it to ensure control of Baghdad.

On a more general level, it always fascinates me that the Israelis are willing to accept, as official ambassadors of the United States, lunatics like Hagee and Pat Robertson. I mean, yeah, it sounds good when they pledge the lives and fortunes of each and every American to the Israeli cause... and it sounds even better when they point out that they have had unlimited access to the White House and the vice president's mansion for the last seven years. But hey, guys, all that could change in less than a year. The Democrats fear and despise white Southern redneck fundamentalists, televangelists, and Bible-belt "talk radio" hosts more than anyone on earth. If either Hillary or Obama wins in November, the Neocons and their "Christian Zionist" allies are going to be out in the cold faster than a case of Bud on Super Bowl Sunday. So the Israelis might want to start re-thinking their unfortunate habit of partying hearty with the likes of Hagee.

4. The Non-Boob Tube

Researchers at the University of Minnesota recommend that parents remove TV sets from teenagers' bedrooms. Now wait a minute -- aren't those the same people who are always saying that "the government should stay out of the bedroom"? Guess it depends on the specific behavior their busybody attentions are directed to that day. Frankly, if I had to choose between keeping TV out of kids' bedrooms and keeping those kids out of public schools, I'd pick the latter. At least with TV you can change the channel...

5. Gutter Politics

Turns out that Obama is one _lousy_ bowler. This isn't going to go over too well in Steel Town, where bowling is the perennial consolation prize after the Steelers play their last game of the season (or post season, "if applicable"). The male of the species hereabouts would be totally lost without an opportunity to take out his aggression on a bunch of hapless wooden pins. The only question that remains unsettled is, is bowling an excuse to drink beer or is drinking beer an excuse to bowl? However that is settled, the locals have to be looking askance as this Ivy League type who handles a bowling ball with about the same degree of familiarity as Bill Clinton handles a Bible. And to think, for a while there he almost seemed like one of us...

6. "New Mormon chief calls strays back to the fold"

Wonder if he's acting in concert with the Texas Rangers? Could be -- he refers to the "strays" as "the less active, the offended, the critical, the transgressor". The _what_? I'd like to see the response if the Pope used that term for fallen-away Catholics. But hey, the Mormons are just this weird, goof-ball sect that is not a threat to anyone. And with that, we now return you to Texas, where the latest cult-busting operation is in full swing. Among the latest shocking revelations from the raid on "a polygamist compound": (1) "Many people at the compound... are related to one another and share similar names." So... I guess we're going to see a raid on the Amish next? (2) "The women wore long pastel dresses...; several had infants." Wow, how twisted and perverse can you get? (3) "The women were not allowed to wear red... and were not allowed to cut their hair. They were also kept isolated from the outside world." So... I guess we can see all traditional Islamic families in court before long?

And finally, this quote -- for which the term "chilling" is a gross understatement: "'In my opinion, this is the largest endeavor we've ever been involved in in the state of Texas,' said Children's Protective Services spokesman Marleigh Meisner, who said she was also involved in the 1993 siege of the Branch Davidian compound in Waco."

I love that -- "involved in the siege". That's like saying that Adolf Eichmann was "involved in the relocation of Jews". But isn't it comforting to know that the same folks who pulled off the Waco massacre under the watchful eye of Janet Reno are still at large, and still dealing with "cults"? I, for one, will sleep much better tonight knowing that I'm not going to be attacked by women in long pastel dresses holding infants.