Snapshots, 4/10/08

1. Chew on This

"In India, a man lost his life savings after termites infested his bank's safe-deposit boxes and ate his paper notes." Well, we can all feel his pain, since much the same thing will happen to any American who socks their money away in a box in a bank or has a standard savings account. Except, in our case the "termites" work for the government; in fact, the termites _are_ the government. The "hidden tax" of inflation is one way in which the government redistributes money from your pocket to its own. The other way is with policies that allow the dollar to lose value vis-a-vis even very sketchy foreign currencies. I mean, it's one thing to look bad compared to the Swiss franc, but how about the Malaysian ringgit? That's just plain insulting. And -- oh yes -- the government is forever bemoaning the fact that Americans are poor "savers". No -- they aren't poor savers, they're just smart enough to know that money that is not spent will disappear anyway.

2. Colombia, Gem of the Ocean

OK, so what's this animus the Democrats have concerning the trade pact with Colombia? I mean, it's not like we're talking big bucks here -- the trade deficit with Colombia was $800 million in 2007, which is about equal to the _daily_ deficit with China. (Of course, this amount does not include illegal drugs, which are, after all, Colombia's leading export commodity, with us as the biggest customer.) Is it just a matter of busting Bush's chops one more time before he leaves office and retires to the front porch of his ranch? Do they really care about trade deficits? (Remember, these are the same folks who pushed NAFTA like it was an Olympic bobsled.) I suspect something a bit more sinister. Number one, Colombia is, arguably, a puppet of the United States and more explicitly the Bush administration. We pay them huge amounts of money and they pretend to be "doing something" about the drug trade. They are also the enemies of the new Marxist governments in South America, with which the Democrats undoubtedly feel some sympathy (especially when they remember how cruelly we worked to subdue leftist regimes in Chile and Nicaragua). Basically, Colombia is the Israel of South America. It's on the receiving end of a 24-7 hemorrhage of US taxpayer money, and what it gives us in return is basically squat. That's the kind of behavior that _occasionally_ gets liberals riled up, since they would rather squander our money on _their_ foreign parasites rather than those of the Republicans. In any case, we'll find out who the liberals like if Hillary or Obama get in next year. To begin with, you can expect China to be raised on high as the ideal trading partner, regime, ally, and Olympic host. Other less important regimes will have to wait their turn.

3. Neither Wild nor Wonderful

Robert Byrd, the senator from The Land That Time Forgot, AKA "An Indian Reservation for White People", has vowed -- from under his oxygen tent -- to keep on legislating, and pontificating, as long as "this old body" will let him. Clearly hoping to overtake Strom Thurmond's longevity record in the Senate, he has sent scores of West Virginia "herb diggers" out in search of the choicest ginseng root and morel mushrooms, with which an ancient crone bearing a remarkable resemblance to Mammy Yokum prepares an invigorating tonic for the senator to quaff every morning before breakfast. Some of his Senate colleagues, concerned that his ability to function as chair of the Senate Appropriations Committee might be compromised by his advancing dotage, seemed reassured when it was pointed out that Sen. Byrd's main function for many decades has been to divert as much funding as possible to his home state, with the result that winners of the West Virginia lottery typically have to take a reduction in their standard of living. However, there are indications that the state has a backup plan in case of the senator's permanent incapacitation, namely that they will secede from the Union, fight a war with the rest of the U.S., and lose, thus assuring their future prosperity for generations to come.

4. Torch Song

In the first instance of a flaming object _not_ being welcomed in San Francisco, protesters stalked, harassed, exposed themselves before, and otherwise tormented the Olympic torch as it made a brief and fitful stop at the City on the Bay. The demonstrations included tense confrontations between Friends of Tibet and Friends of China (whose ranks included Friends of Bill). At one point, "the first torchbearer took the flame from a lantern and held it aloft before running into a warehouse." Fortunately this was not the warehouse used to store fireworks for the Chinese New Year celebrations. At another point, one of the torchbearers waved a Tibetan flag during her brief run with the torch. "The Chinese security and cops were on me like white on rice", she said -- in what was interpreted as a clear instance of racism (not to mention that organic rice -- the preferred breakfast of Al Gore -- is not white). Now, it seems to me that this fetish for having an actual flame (which has to be repeatedly extinguished and then re-lit anyway) is totally behind the times. What would be wrong with having a "virtual torch" with an electronic flame, that could be transmitted via the Internet? That way, instead of a measly 85,000 miles the torch could travel _billions_ of miles, in mere seconds? Of course, we would still need "help desk" services from India in order to make sure nothing went wrong. And -- oops, wait a minute -- India and China don't get along all that well. I'm gonna have to work on this one...

5. Now That's Using Your Noodle

The former prime minister of Japan has come out in support of ramen noodles, AKA "the college student's best friend". Apparently this ubiquitous product, which has found its way into space shuttles, solitary confinement cells, and time capsules, nonetheless still requires "promotion". What I suspect is that ramen noodles are actually part of a sinister plot to debilitate American youth with MSG, the way flouridation was a communist plot back in the 1950s. What good are perfect teeth if your brain has turned to mush from over-consumption of ramen?

6. She Wasn't Wearing a G-String

"Prized violin found by homeless woman." This happened in Toronto, where a Symphony Orchestra violinist left his instrument behind while getting on a streetcar. OK, number one, better check this guy's medications. But then he goes back later and finds said violin in the possession of a homeless woman. He offers her "all the money in his wallet -- $35 -- and she accepted but then also demanded a ring he was wearing." Now I see a great future for her as an agent -- or at least a pawnshop owner. It's amazing what sorts of talent you can find just about anywhere. I recall the last day of a major Van Gogh exhibit in Washington, DC -- bitterly cold, as it happend -- and the "street people" turned out in droves to be the first in line for free tickets. Were they art lovers? Not exactly. They were picking up the tickets in order to scalp them to hapless last-day Van Gogh fans for _big bucks_. And it was all perfectly legal! This is something liberals can never get through their heads -- the poor are not stupid, and "street people" are not stupid either. Some of them are damned clever. They can game the system like nobody's business. So we don't have to appeal to them as if they were retarded, or children -- just treat them as normal people with normal capabilities for once, and see what happens.

7. Another Talking Byrd

In England, "a young parrot has been teaching foul language to its avian brethren." (So they're all males?) I prefer the theory that Tourette's Syndrome has made a jump from the human species to the macaw species. I always thought that a "syndrome" that includes compulsive trash talking sounded like some sort of scam. If it's not, then I guess all rap and hip-hop artists, professional athletes, and most stand-up comedians are victims -- not to mention a few prominent politicians. I mean, are you honestly telling me that foul language is stored in a different part of the brain than other words? If a person had been raised in a convent, would they "know" these words anyway, just because they had this "syndrome"? If so, we're looking at something truly remarkable here -- a form of infused knowledge, but from an unholy source. In fact, I suspect that people with Tourette's Syndrome were, in less enlightened times, considered to be victims of demonic possession. Hmmm... wonder what would happen if they were dragged into a Mass, kicking and screaming? Might be worth a try.

8. "Maryland could cut female crab harvet by 40%"

Will the media never quit making veiled snipes at Hillary and her supporters? Haven't they suffered enough?

9. All Not-so-Bright

Former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, taking time off from her role as Jabba the Hutt in the new Broadway musical production of "Star Wars", opines that the next administration will have to ramp up diplomatic efforts in order to meet current challenges. I wonder if this includes resuming the bombing of Belgrade, or other similar bits of diplomatic subtlety. She did sound a note of warning about Iraq, however, namely that we should "leave Iraq in a responsible way", which is diplo-speak for "not leaving at all". Consider this an early warning as to Hillary's actual intentions vis-a-vis our current foreign policy ocean of quicksand. Plus, Madame A. says that the terrorists are actually murderers, and should be referred to as such. (I'd like to be a fly on the wall of the NPR editorial offices right about now.) And her most striking recommendation concerns dealing with Iran: "You don't begin with a president of the country..." Well, then, who? The shoe shine guy down the street? We see now where the sterling performance of the Clinton State Department got its inspiration.