Odd Balls

Have You Seen This Fashion Plate?

I love the fact that, whenever the search is on for someone who committed a crime, the clothes they were wearing are described in great detail – like, are they assumed to only have one set of clothing? Or maybe unable to get back to where they live and change? And another thing – what’s up with those “police sketches” of alleged “perps”? They all look alike, basically – sort of like Mongol warriors with no foreheads. You know -- they have eyebrows, and then the hairline starts about 1mm above the eyebrows, and the top of their head is flatter than a Frisbee. Now, no one actually looks like that – or if they do, they’re too brain-damaged to commit any crime. And yet police departments all over the country continue to churn out these ridiculous sketches.

A Spoonful of Light, Sweet

I notice that something called “light, sweet crude” – oil, that is – has stabilized a bit, price-wise. Now, “light” I can understand… but “sweet”? What can possibly make crude oil sweet? Aspartame, maybe? And who’s the poor chump who has to taste it to decide whether it’s sweet or not? Now there’s a job I definitely do not want.

Five Foot Two, Eyes TBD

I guess there are some foot fetishists somewhere who experience a certain frisson whenever they read about another unaccompanied foot being washed up on the shores of British Columbia. What’s more intriguing is that these feet are well-shod, being found in Reeboks, New Balances, and so on. In other words, they are not the feet of lazy, do-nothing couch potatoes. Of course one did turn out to be an animal paw – and it took the BC police a few days to make that determination, which kind of makes you wonder about the extent of their anatomical training, but nonetheless, the phenomenon does raise the question as to where all the bodies are that go (or went) along with these feet? Are we dealing with a serial killer here, or more specifically a disgruntled ex-employee of DSW? In any case, it seems like it’s going to be a while until the authorities get a toehold on this case and bring it to heel.

Ah, Che Bella Stinko!

The Italian government, once again, stands by helpless while mountains of uncollected garbage pile up in Naples. And why is this? Why, it’s because garbage collection in Naples is a solely-owned subsidiary of the Mafia, or whatever they’re calling themselves these days. And in Italy, the Mafia wields power unmatched by any organization in the U.S. save the NEA and AIPAC. And I guess it’s not possible to send out the national guard the way we might be tempted to do in a case like this. So it continues to pile up. And why the Mafia is holding out on this is never explained – must have something to do with money, don’tcha think? But not to worry – the Italian government has bigger fish to fry, namely the attempt to bring the burgeoning population of Gypsies (many who are from Romania, I’m told) to heel. Now… hey, I’m no FDR, but what would be wrong with shipping the Gypsies down to Naples and telling them to start collecting garbage? But that would make way too much sense…

Oil Be Seeing You

Today’s “boxing glove on a spring” headline is “N.H. will accept free oil from Chavez”. So it has come to this – we’re getting foreign aid from a communist country. Hey, it’s more useful than all the Ivy League parasites the communists started supporting back in the 1930s. But New Hampshire is still a tad shy of Vermont, which has applied to become a province of Venezuela. “This way we get not only free heating oil, but cheap gas and killer weed”, a spokesman said. Back in New Hampshire, a petition is circulating to change the state’s motto to “Free Oil or Die”.

People of the Book(s)

“The Texas State Board of Education gave final approval Friday to establishing Bible classes in public high schools”. Well, this idea is going to be DOA if the NEA and the ACLU have anything to do with it. But there is a compromise that might ease the pain. Every “Bible” class would have to be matched, on an equal time basis, with a “Darwinism” class. Each one can be presented as an example of a major world religion, each with its prophets and saints and holy texts. That way students, if they are so inclined, can choose one or the other for further study, without any prejudice based on which is more “scientific” since no claims will have been made on that score.

Show Him the Gate

Obama has decided not to give a speech at Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate – undoubtedly based on the notion that the site represents a shameful failure of the United States to properly recognize the enlightened and humanitarian world view and policies of Soviet communism during the Cold War. “Why, if it hadn’t been for American hard-headedness, there would have been no need for the Brandenburg Gate”, a spokesman said. “The Soviets would have taken over all of Berlin, and all of Germany as well, for that matter. It was only our short-sighted 'Cold War' mentality that prevented the people of West Germany – an American puppet state – from enjoying the same blessings of socialism that the people of East Germany enjoyed. With reunification, the issues are academic at this point, but the scars remain.”