Odds and Ends III

I Pity the Pool…

The recent marriage of one of George Bush’s daughters reminds me that the Bush gene pool seems to be getting shallower with each succeeding generation. Another effect of global warming, I suppose…

The Beast With Two Heads Sleeps Tonight

Among the missing: Bill and Hillary Clinton. Word has it that they are ensconced in a remote mountain cabin in the Ozarks, owned by one of the many “Friends of Bill”, in order to cook up a strategy for their next attempt at taking over the U.S. An intruder – later apprehended by the Arkansas State Police – claimed to have overheard Bill Clinton say, “Now you pretend to be Trotsky, and I’ll pretend to be Lenin.”

In a related story, rumors that Hillary is about to kick Bill’s sorry ass out of the house, based on his ill-fated attempts to aid her presidential bid, and many other offenses, have been contradicted by a spokesman from her campaign. “You have to understand that Mr. and Mrs. Clinton are two sides of the same personality – kind of like Romulus and Remus, or Itchy and Scratchy. It’s literally true that neither one would know what to do without the other. Call it what you will – codependency, mutual facilitation, a bizarre mutation – it’s true nonetheless.” An analyst commented that this was, in fact, the basis for the Clintons’ strength, and also for their vulnerability: “What they share in common is an inordinate lust for power. In Bill’s case, it’s power for its own sake, and in Hillary’s it’s power for the sake of remaking the world in her own image. These two agendas come into conflict now and then, but more often than not form a kind of symbiosis. What it basically comes down to is them against the world, and they agree on one thing, if nothing else – that the world, and especially the American electorate, is made up of fools who deserve whatever they get.” He added, “Anyone who expects Hillary to go quietly back to the Senate to serve out her term has another think coming. If McCain wins, she’ll be plotting his downfall from the first day he’s in office. If Obama wins, well… it’ll be the same thing, basically. Party loyalty has never been the Clintons’ strong suit; it’s always been ‘their way or the highway’, as the saying goes.”

Make Lob, Not War

Ever heard of a “lob bomb”? No, it’s not something invented by John McEnroe. It’s another one of those home-spun, but very nasty, weapons that our enemies in Iraq (that means, basically, anyone who’s not on our payroll plus most of the people who are) have come up with. It’s also termed an “improvised rocket-assisted mortar”, or IRAM, and is rumored to come from Iran. In other words, it's an Iran IRAM. And when fitted with a cowbell it's an Iran IRAM-a ding dong. Um... OK, I'm alright now. In any case, it's also said to involve, depending on the specific model in question, the use of a cell phone to set it off, or even a washing machine timer. (Who knew they even had washing machines over there?) Now, it’s grimly amusing to contemplate what would have been involved if our own military had sponsored, and paid for the development of, a similar weapon. To begin with, according to the “acquisition cycle”, which is treated like holy writ in the defense community, the thing would still be years away from actual deployment. Once deployed, it would cost tens of thousands per copy, and the spare parts would be even costlier, assuming they were even available. We would be paying some crooked shipping outfit a fortune to get them from the factory in the U.S. (or China) over to Iraq, and then paying someone else a fortune in “in-country” shipping and storage fees. And upon deployment, it would turn out that they were never tested in an “Iraq-like environment” – you know, with things like heat, sand, and dust. “Well, who knew those things made a difference? Get off our case, wouldja?” Then, of course, the manufacturer would promptly come up with various “enhancements”, and “improved models”, that would cause a quantum leap in total system costs. In the meantime, the troops would be busy coming up with “workarounds” to get the damn things to actually function in a combat situation. But no matter – the vendor would continue to receive a series of fat “no bid” contracts until such time as the system was declared obsolete… at which time, the entire cycle would begin anew.

So – when we’re dealing with an “enemy” that has, basically, none of the above problems, and can basically put a weapon together with the materials to be found in the average suburban garage in America, and our weapon system acquisition process is designed primarily to enrich the arms makers – is it any wonder we occasionally get into these embarrassing situations where their jerry-built weaponry is more effective than ours? It is long past time for our weapon acquisition process to expire from its own weight, like the dinosaurs… except it won’t, because it is being kept on life support by its advocates in Congress, the administration, and the fabled military-industrial complex. So it will remain an Achilles heel whenever we are fighting an “unconventional war” overseas – i.e. whenever we are fighting _any_ war we are likely to be fighting in the foreseeable future.

If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Off the Planet

One fear resulting from the precipitous rise in oil prices is that heating oil bills will be at a record high next winter. So people are starting to complain about this to their elected representatives. But hey – isn’t it those same representatives who are signing onto all sorts of blockheaded “anti-global warming” legislation? I think the voters should tell them to butt out and let global warming do its thing. It makes perfect sense – more global warming means warmer winters, which means lower heating requirements, which means we can tell OPEC to blow it out its shorts.

And why am I the only one who ever makes these connections?

No More Teen Angels

It appears that one unintended consequence of the steep rise in gasoline prices is a decline in fatalities among teen-agers due to automobile accidents. In this respect, we see that expensive gasoline does more for teenage survival on the highways than all the decades of “driver ed” that they’ve been exposed to. (In my experience, it was only the “good” kids who took driver ed anyway. The “hoods” thought it was for wimps – and they were right.) And who knows, as gas prices climb ever higher we could see even more improvement in this area. It may ultimately turn out to be a good investment. I have often remarked that we know gasoline is still too cheap when teen-aged drivers prowl the streets and highways at all hours of the day and night in non-economy cars, and driving in such a way as to maximize gas usage – you know, the “laying rubber” every time a light turns green, and drag racing between lights? Would the quality of life in America be greatly enhanced by a decline in the number of teen-aged drivers and the amount of time they spend behind the wheel? Absolutely. And yes, I’m perfectly willing to pay more for my own gasoline if that is the likely consequence.