Doomsday Alert

Well, now we can relax, because we know where the next nuclear holocaust is coming from. It's kind of like finding out you have a fatal illness -- you can stop worrying about all the _other_ fatal illnesses you might have had. In this case, we're talking about Hillary's recent pronouncement of doom and total destruction upon Iran, should they be foolish enough to heft a few nukes in the direction of Israel. (A few is all it would take, BTW -- there are counties in Texas that are bigger than Israel.) This pronouncement makes perfect sense, of course, if one adopts the premise, _shared by all three major candidates_, that Israel's interests are synonymous with our own, and that an attack on Israel is the same as an attack on the U.S. This is, in fact, the key foreign concept policy of our time, and the one that drives all the others, and that also, indirectly, drives domestic policy. A president or presidential candidate who had a different idea would -- well, they simply wouldn't survive. But it would be a sea change unmatched since our cozy relationship with Uncle Joe Stalin morphed into the Cold War. But not to worry -- it's not going to happen, and I guess we (and Iran) owe Hillary some respect for her honesty. (And don't believe for a moment that McCain and Obama don't agree with her -- they'll use it as a "talking point" in the campaign, but if it ever came down to brass tacks they would do the very same thing.)

But I just had a funny thought. We have what is euphemistically called a "mutual defense treaty" with Israel -- which basically means we defend them and they don't give a crap about us. But what if someone -- China, say, or Russia -- entered into the very same sort of treaty with Iran? We certainly would have no basis for arguing against it. "Sphere of influence?" Excuse me, but Israel is much farther from the U.S. than Iran is from either Russia or China. Shared ethnic or religious heritage? Neither side would have much to stand on there. Economic ties? They would have a better argument than we do. Our only "economic tie" with Israel is that they cash our checks. (When's the last time you saw an Israeli product at the local Wal-Mart? Well, OK, our inner-city gangs buy a lot of Uzis. But that's about it.) So anyway, let's say this happens. An attack on Iran is considered the equivalent of an attack on Russia, or on China. Well, the result is as easy to come by as pulling a slot machine lever: Iran nukes Israel, we nuke Iran, Russia or China nukes us -- and the strains of "We'll Meet Again" break out over the closing credits (subtext to "Dr. Strangelove", in case you're too young to remember). Now, why the major powers are constantly allowing these little, crappy-assed countries to determine their fate is beyond me. But you remember how World War I started, right? And let's not forget Korea and Vietnam. And the way we usually fight "proxy wars" is that we make them no-longer-proxy. The Russians and Chinese were smart enough to stay out of Vietnam -- although the Russians screwed up when it came to Afghanistan. We, on the other hand, don't seem to be able to stay out of anywhere. To paraphrase H. L. Mencken, if you throw an apple core out of a train window anywhere in the world, you're likely to hit an American "military advisor" or CIA operative or "contractor". We're everywhere -- which basically means, we're nowhere. I.e., we're spread so thin that we can't possibly be effective. Iraq and Afghanistan are no exceptions, they're just focal points. But you lift up a rock anywhere in the Third World and you're going to find some heavily-armed Americans in camo gear. This "hidden tax" on our economy, not to mention our morale, and our reputation around the world -- the "ugly American" syndrome -- has been going on at least since World War II, and maybe -- just maybe -- one fringe benefit of our inevitable defeat in Iraq will be that we will, at long last, draw back our tentacles and leave the rest of the world the hell alone. Except for Hillary "obliterating" Iran, of course.