Politics Means Always Having to Say You're Sorry

In an unprecedented but not surprising move as the presidential campaign nears its climax, both the Hillary Clinton and Obama campaigns today announced a policy of "preemptive apology". "With apologies, retractions, and 'clarifications' coming out at a faster pace every day," a Clinton spokesman said, "it makes sense to, rather than repeatedly disrupting the rhythm of the campaign with apologies, have the candidate issue a blanket, overall apology on a regular basis -- say once a week -- for anything the candidate might say, in the following seven days, which might offend any group or individual, no matter how far-fetched the offense, or how thin-skinned the individuals affected, might be. In this way, the timing of apologies can be geared to the weekly news cycle and be issued with a minimum amount of disruption, let's say late on Friday evening." An Obama spokesman concurred, noting that "This is one thing both candidates can agree on -- namely, that with the increasing pace of the campaigns and with the overwrought sensitivities of various portions of the electorate, it makes sense to 'package' apologies for the convenience of potentially-offended groups or individuals, and of the media as well." It is expected that, after ironing out a few details, the candidates will initiate the new procedure with simultaneous news conferences next Friday, after having, of course, issued any necessary apologies, retractions, and clarifications for any ill-advised statements they may make between now and then.