Train Time

Why can't the American airlines be more like... Amtrak? Yes, Amtrak -- the much-maligned (and with good reason) vestigial rail passenger "service" system that is so primitive compared to systems overseas that it's like comparing Ethiopian spear-chuckers with Mussolini's air force. Amtrak, whose snack bar offerings are typically mildewed beyond recognition, and whose coach seats seem to be designed for the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Yeah, I'm talking Amtrak, whose schedules miraculously call for every departure and arrival time to be between 2 AM and 5 AM... whose trains can be immobilized at the drop of a hat by any freight train that requires through passage, and where delays that would put an airline out of business are just shrugged off as everyday events. But herein lies the silver lining, albeit somewhat tarnished. Let's say your airline of choice runs into a few problems on a given day -- you know, the usual stuff -- weather, no gates available, missing flight personnel, maintenance and repair problems... whatever. These problems mount up and snowball until the next thing you know your "next available flight" is the next day. So what happens then? Well, nothing, as far as the airline is concerned. Their attitude towards stranded passengers can best be summed up in the two-word phrase, "Eat shit." So you're on your own, basically, until that mythical "next available flight" takes off -- free to, e.g., spend the night in the terminal, lulled into a fitful sleep by noisy carpet-cleaning machines... or to find a cab and a motel or hotel with a vacancy, which will typically amount to about half the cost of your plane ticket. And then worry about whether that "next available flight" is really available, or is just something they made up to keep you from strangling the agent. And arching over it all is the very strong implication, against all evidence and experience, that this almost never happens, and that's why absolutely no provisions are in place to deal with it. In fact, more often than not it turns out that you, the passenger, are starting to offend the airline staff by your mere presence -- simply by being alive, when they would all prefer that you simply disappeared and stopped bothering them.

Contrast this all-too-familiar situation, if you will, with my recent experience with Amtrak. For reasons which might have been understandable in Zimbabwe, but which are unfathomable in this country with its 150-plus years of rail tradition, the train we were supposed to catch in Lincoln, Nebraska turned out to be -- hold on to your hats -- 10 hours late. The reasons given would cause the face of Texas' premier tall-tale-teller to burn with shame. But it happened nonetheless, and that, in turn, caused us to miss our connection to the only -- under the once-per-day system favored by Amtrak -- train out of Chicago, with the net result that we had to wait for the train that left 24 hours later... with the net result that we got home no less than 28 hours after the intended time.

So why am I saying that the airlines ought to be more like Amtrak? Simply that once it had been firmly established that everyone on the train with a connection was going to miss it, two agents appeared, as if by magic (I still can't figure out where they came from or how they got there), in the lounge car, with laptops and forms, and started very methodically taking each passenger, one at a time, and advising them as to what their new connecting time was to be, and writing them vouchers for round-trip cab fare and hotel rooms at a pre-determined hotel -- firm reservations included, of course. Upon arrival at Union Station in Chicago we were told to proceed to one particular window where the agent took the cab fare voucher and handed us back money -- actual cash! -- which we could use for cab fare and "anything left over to help with food". Upon arrival at the hotel we (along with a few dozen other refugees from the same train) were greeted with courtesy (of the 3 AM type, which is rare indeed) and checked in, no hesitation, no head scratching, no red tape. The next morning (early afternoon, actually) we went back to the station and got new tickets, no muss, no fuss.

Now, what amazed me about all this was... well, it was a lot of things. For one, it was the stark contrast between the manifest incompetence of Amtrak when it comes to scheduling and to implementing schedules, vs. their absolutely seamless competence coping with what happens when things don't work out. For another, it was the fact that the staff did not immediately turn around and start blaming the victim, the way the airlines do. For another, it was the fact that these procedures were in place, they had obviously been tested and refined, and the system worked like a well-oiled machine. (Now if only the actual trains could be made to operate that well, we'd have something that would enable us to hold our heads high before the Europeans.) And, basically, it was all done in an extremely common-sense manner. No one suggested that anyone spend the night (or what was left of it) in any shit-ass terminal -- which is what airline employees suggest all the time. And the hotel was the real McCoy, not some fleabag designed only for people desperate to get off the street. And -- can you imagine the airlines ever giving anyone _cash_, for any reason? And yet this guy doled it out like we were standing at the winners' window at the race track.

Bottom line-wise, one would think that a 28-hour chunk out of one's life would be enough to make one swear off Amtrak forever. But, as I pointed out, the airlines can, and have, done as badly, and worse, and for reasons almost as flimsy, besides which they have a major attitude problem when it comes to customer relations, whereas Amtrak at least has a "we're all in the same boat" attitude. I had an _engineer_ apologize to me for the delay in Lincoln! Try that on one of the perfumed princes (or princesses) who pilot our domestic air fleet. The trains are still much more of a "people's" mode of transportation than the airlines, and there is no social barrier between the customers and the staff -- they are, basically, all cut from the same cloth, and that too is refreshing after being made to feel like a peon so many times while traveling by air. And of course, I shouldn't have to mention myriad other advantages of train travel, e.g. you really can take a _lot_ of "stuff" on board, and there is plenty of room to stash it... you can walk around... buy a meal (of sorts)... take smoke breaks at selected stations... the seats are quite large (despite the Hunchback issue) and there is legroom a-plenty... you get to see America from the ground instead of from 32,000 feet up... you get to feel the _size_ of America, and feel the distance you are traveling... and dammit, it's nostalgic, and not a little bit funky as well, and it's not at all "slick". It's truly a more authentic slice of life than you'll ever experience traveling by air... although, let's admit, not as much of a slice as you'll experience traveling by bus, and thank goodness. So no, I haven't given up on trains. I just wish they could learn a little bit from Mussolini.